Media Misinformed

I hate media. I hate television shows, game shows, reality shows, the news, magazines and about 97 percent of fiction books.

Last night my husband and I were lounging on the couch; he had drifted off to nap land and I was attempting to meet him there but ESPN’s constant newsfeed bitch…..errr…I mean debate in the background, on whether Tim Tebow is a good quarterback (ESPN is really just the View for men) was like a mosquito in my ear, so I changed the channel to the local news and low and behold Wendy Reiger and Jim Handly are telling me how counting calories is a tried and true method to fight obesity….no shit these were their words. They don’t look like pinnacles of fitness or nutrition but who knows they could rip off their suits and be macho ripped….doubt it, but whatever. Anyways then they pan to an expert nutritionist, Elisa Zeid, I personally have never heard of her so I did a Google search and she has a blog and a book and she is a proclaimed EXPERT. I’d really like to know what clarifies you as an expert so I never get tarnished with this godawful title.

So Elisa is telling us how in NYC it is mandated that restaurants have posted the calories next to their food items on the menu. Because of this great accomplishment, NYC residents are choosing about 100 less calories per meal!!! She states this is a sure sight of things to change on the fight against obesity. Ohmafuckingod….she has to be kidding. Nope she sits there with her weirdo fake smile hoping I’ll eat her shit with a spoon and then buy her book.

Now let’s take a look at this 100 calorie saving phenomenon going on in NYC. A quick search tells me a double cheese burger, large fry (5.4 ounces) and 32 ounce coke has 1250 calories, 31 grams of protein and 183 grams of carbohydrates. So seeing that the single cheeseburger is 300 calories less – and don’t kid yourself into thinking someone will choose a smaller drink or smaller fry – on the other side the FDA is telling you low fat is the way to go - and always chooses the smaller portion of protein (red meat is evil according to the FDA). So that is 140 calories less – actually over Ms. Zeid’s estimate savings. 1110 calories versus 1250 – BUT you have only saved ONE GRAM OF CARBOHYDRATES AND LOST 10 GRAMS OF PROTEIN by reducing the burger size – and regardless that it is a fast food burger and mostly processed garbage it is better than the starch and liquid sugar that people keep in their diet because everyone knows red meat is evil and will give you a heart attack.

My next favorite is Tracy Anderson, I’ll give you all a break on my Dr. Oz bitches – TA is sweeping the media with her celebrity workouts – top stars use her like Gweneth Paltrow and a bunch of other people I could give two shits less about. We are in a serious detriment when are role models are people we have never met, don’t care to meet us, don’t give two shits about us and only want you to buy their movies, songs and sleeping bags with their face plastered on it so they can continue to live in their billion dollar houses and hirer bodyguards to keep you away from them. Anyways, TA tells us in her infomercial that the way to get “tone” without getting bulky is high reps with low weights. OK, well TA bulk comes from too much body fat, not muscle and a fantastic way to get this “tone” thing you keep spreading like a disease is to lift heavy ass weights. She tells me to “feel the burn” as she demonstrates 100 bicep curls with a 3# dumbbell.

Not to mention how creepy she looks – how much plastic surgery has this woman had anyways?

She must get free clothes from HSN as she demonstrates in every appearance these strange costume spandex pants. TA, I bench 135#s, squat 235#, RDL 225#, and clean 120#s (and I weigh 131#) – the only 100 reps of anything that I do is burpees and I am NOT bulky. I am muscular and lean and I am chasing after more muscle. And I will get it by lifting heavy ass weights, treating carbs like cyanide, eating RED MEAT (take your vegan shit somewhere else), bacon, and broccoli. You can take your weird tofu, blueberry & honey shake and your calorie counting and your 3# dumbbells and choke on the million dollars you are making.

Yes, I recognize you are making a million dollars – I am jealous and spiteful about it, so suck it – the only reason you are making so much damn money is because the general population and by general population I mean the fat, obese, morbidly obese and sick; eat your non-disciplined, laid back, everything in moderation approach to nutrition and fitness with a goddamn spoon. News flash – you can’t eat pussy with a spoon. And fat guys ain’t getting any and fat girls ain’t given any up. Too vulgar? Then stop reading – because this is exactly why my approach isn’t splashed across the media making me a few million. Everyone wants to hold hands and sing campfire songs for a “cure for obesity”; they don’t want to be smacked in the face with the reality and brute honesty that if you don’t want to be fat, obese, morbidly obese or sick anymore you have to turn off the damn news, infomercials and throw away your copy of Oxygen; throw away the tofu and supplement shakes, use the 3# dumbbells as book weights and grab a lettuce wrapped burger, topped with bacon and avocado and then get yourself a good coach or trainer whatever fucking “label” you want to give them and learn how to lift some heavy ass weight and transform your body into something that the opposite sex will give a shit about.

Nuf said – tired of being political about this – you want results that’s how you do it - the bitch is back!