Friday Rant

This post won’t be for the faint of heart or a liberal. If you are easily offended stop reading. There is your warning.

So what a great picture, huh? I know it’s a little hard to see, this is what I saw yesterday driving home from work. I look over and here is this guy with visibly TOO much chin slurping down something (XLARGE CUP I might add) from McDonald’s. Yuck.

Where have all the men gone? I see two types of men all around either those with bitch tits, big bellies and no ass or those that would sag in MY jeans and no ass.

Let me tell you guys, and hell you may not give a shit anyways, but my blog, my bitch; if we can share clothes – you’re out. If you have no ass – you’re out. If you have a limp dick – you’re out. If your tits are bigger than mine – you’re out. I guess really all I can say is thank god I am married and not on the market. I’d be really lonely or a lesbian.

This is not attractive.

THIS is attractive.

And this.

These are guys you will not catch trying to wear my clothes.
If you need to pop a blue pill to get your dick hard for four hours you’re in trouble. That’s not sexy. Come on baby hurry up and ride the viagra train we have 3 hours and 36 minutes! Yuck.

I want my man to chase me around the room when I come home and start taking off my socks. I am not retarded – I know the sight of me taking off my socks isn’t sexy; but he’s a man and that is what a man with a healthy functioning body does and regardless that I KNOW taking off my socks isn’t sexy it is one helluva an ego boost to know that just shedding off my socks gets off his rocks. It’d be a huge ego deflator to know that the sight of me naked can’t get it up for him. That I somehow have to stroke him into the mood or wait for his magical blue unicorn pill to work. No thanks. I’m a woman, I want a man. Not a eunuch.

Our society as a whole really needs to stop eating garbage. It is turning us into these trolls. And every time a new diet hits the streets what do people do? This includes me (I am people….on most days), we try and find a way to spice it up. I got fat trying to spice it up. Paleo ice cream, paleo chocolates, bacon, even a paleo cheesecake. So here is the godawful truth of the matter folks.

EAT. REAL. FOOD.

That’s all you have to do if you want to be as lean as your body is designed to be. You’ll never over eat chicken and broccoli, or burger and cauliflower. It just doesn’t happen. Throw in some “Paleo treats” and voila fat ass.

Here is the perfect scenario and example: “So now let’s say I’m addicted to cheesecake. I eat 3 slices everyday and I end up getting fat. So, in an effort to get ‘healthy’, I decide I’m not going to eat junk anymore and I start eating a real food based diet. I eat meat, seafood, veggies, fruit, dairy and some white rice. In about a week, I’m sick of this shit, ‘cos I’m used to eating delectable food and now that my reward centers are not activated as frequently anymore, I don’t really feel good. So I get on the internet and start looking for tips and tricks to make my boring real food diet tasty and boom! I come across a grain free cheesecake recipe! My eyes light up and I’m not quite sure if the food driven depression is making me hallucinate or if this is real food for real! I re-read it and it is indeed a real food cheesecake! I thank my stars and I get to making it. Two hours later, I’ve made a 14″ inch cheesecake… super decadent and yet supremely healthy!

I take a bite and I freakin love it! My reward centers are activated and I eat the whole damn thing. And since all the ingredients are real food healthy ingredients, I make this and other such ‘real food healthy’ stuff primal brownies, paleo ice cream, cholesterol free cocaine etc etc and eat them all week.”

This doesn’t help you get healthy and lean – actually this is going to make your ass just as fat as the shit you were eating before you decided to clean up your diet.

If you eat like this instead of just eating real food you have to count calories. What a fucking bummer. Counting calories suck…but if you have to the rule is 10-12 calories times your ideal body weight. Fun huh? So that means if you are a woman and want to weigh 135# you can have between 1350-1620 calories of your shit food and you will lose weight. Now that might sound mighty ideal. Except I challenge you to survive on hundred calorie snack packs, portioned lasagna at “x” calories, diet soda, and “health” bars at 1500 calories. You will be hungry all the time and you will be tired, perhaps too tired to work out. So when you lose the weight you can be skinny fat – you’ll look great in your skinny jeans this winter but come this summer and you put on a bikini you’ll look like this. YUCK.

Sorry even a tan doesn’t make this look good.

Which brings me to my “I want to be tone” bitch. I’ve actually bitched about this many times before but this seems like a good Segway for me to bitch about it again. I’ve found that if you hear something long enough it becomes the truth….here’s hoping.

At The Gym Cellar I, my husband and all of my clients grimace, grunt, or experiencing some sort of extreme mental discomfort while training. This is because if you are not grunting, grimacing or in mental discomfort you are not fucking training hard enough. If it was easy everyone would look fantastic. If you walk across the finish line vice crawl with bloody knuckles you didn’t give it your all. Why bother.

If you avoid squats and deadlift, because you say you don’t train legs because you play soccer, or run or you only do body weight exercises or my favorite….I don’t want to get big….BITCH PLEASE. There is not one single factor in strength training that delivers more than squatting and deadlifting. Period.

For woman squatting and deadlifting gives your ass the perfect look for jeans or a bikini. For men squatting and deadlifting gives your body a drool worthy shape and increases your testosterone levels.

Squatting and deadlifting are the ultimate body developers but they also provide this incredible mental aspect that will strengthen your other training as a whole and will imprint your life outside the gym.

So what’s my point of this whole post? Stop eating shit – just eat real food. Stop playing this game of feeding your reward sensors – if you need rewards get your body moving and deadlifting something. This shit food we are living on is turning are men into women and our women into trolls. We survive on one pill to bring our cholesterol down, another pill to get our dicks hard, another pill to go to sleep and several cups of coffee to wake our asses up. What the fuck! Just Eat. Real. Food.